Being a Good (Conflicted) American Citizen

Forty eight days back and three interviews later, I am an Americorps IT VISTA for the Phoenix Charter Academy in Chelsea (Boston), Massachusetts. This wouldn't be nearly as interesting if I stuck to the rules regarding no blogging about work, and just didn't mention any of this. However, I will be discreet enough to use only initials and no physical descriptions of people at all.

Also, this still does fit into the mission statement of this blog, because America is very clearly a part of the international community. Just because I grew up here doesn't necessarily mean there are no new things to see; these places are local to me - but maybe not to many people who come here to see what's up with Lily.

Americorps is a program run by state governments to give qualified citizens two year-long contract jobs in their lives, in service to grassroots organizations, local communities and the state. I imagine that rules differ according to state. In return, I get experience in my chosen field and a medium sized stipend; it's a good amount of money that's not enough to live off of. VISTA stands for Volunteers in Service to America.

Chelsea is reachable through some bus lines running from the Orange Line Haymarket Station. I take bus 111 everyday. The Phoenix Charter Academy is a semi-privately funded, publicly run school for students who, for some reason, don't fit into the normal public high school system. Sample scenarios are that they are English Language Learners, were truant at other schools, or need some help with teen pregnancy or small children. Our current recruiter, JC, goes around recommending the school to kids in churches, on street corners, in rehab centers, counseling centers, hospitals, and other places (wherever people may need a good education to get their lives together, but don't know where to look).

We have our own team of counselors. The teachers are especially trained to discipline and educate inner city kids. There is a daycare center, complete with training for new parents, available on campus. The rules are strict. The curriculum is intense and aided by technology. There is a government subsidized meals program. Grassroots organizations like this really, really give me hope.

My role in this organization is less than clearly defined. While it means that I am generally a government funded volunteer for the Academy who works with information technology, my supervisor LS can lend me out to whoever needs a spare hand. Because of the special student population, I am also a part of the training that Fellows (think teacher assistants), teachers and administrators go through, which means that I function as half a teacher and am expected to enforce all the rules and enable this life-turnaround politically correct culture. There is a whole sociological approach and positive language (all in English, ha ha) that go along with this.

It sounds very philanthropic and awesome, right? Of course. Then why am I conflicted?

Despite having been a teacher in a foreign country, and maybe wanting to continue in the educational field, I wonder if I am actually capable enough to reach out to these children, when sometimes I can't completely break my own mental barriers regarding the way I think another person is when he starts describing himself with a label. I am also unsure of the meanings behind my own labels - Chinese, American, female, educated, writer. It must be only human to think about and redefine oneself daily.

I believe I have to take care of myself (I need to stop taking mid evening naps, for starters) to have enough energy and reevaluate what assumptions I hold about other people, and let these assumptions go. It's hard to know exactly how to do this. I could very well have been one of these at-risk kids. Whenever I don't yet know what to do, it may be best just to be quiet for a while and listen.

Hit the Ground Running

Hi, folks. Last we heard from me, I had left South Korea. Even though I'm back home now in Boston, MA, in the U.S. of A, my personal story is far from over - being at the prime of my life and all. ;-) I've been home for 26 days so far. So, reverse culture shock exists.

When I heard about it from other people, it struck me as kind of a myth. How hard can it be to readjust to the life that one has always had? Well, for me ... Not that hard. There are many disorienting mini-events to make me realize I've changed as a person, and my sleeping schedule is still trying to fix itself after about three weeks, but everything else is pretty okay.

During the first week, when two of my friends (who are married to each other) visit, I realize when trying to give them a tour that I had forgotten how to use the MBTA. The prices had increased again. It might just be that I had been in and out of airports for about forty something hours, but my legs felt a bit atrophied and I thought that Cheongju is not nearly as much of a walking city as Boston is.

My skin became very dry again, without the famous South Korean summer humidity. The water here is more metallic. Even though my mother mainly cooks only vegetables, the American diet feels a lot more fatty than Korean food, and a lot less salty as well. Cheongju's air quality is definitely much better than Boston's, despite our proximity to the ocean. My room is so much smaller and more cramped in comparison to my apartment in either Cheongju or on Daebudo. I miss having a lot less stuff. I miss waking up to complete silence, because I lived alone.

I love my sister, though. She thinks my cat and I are both beautiful. She'd say so to the cat when she thinks I'm not around.

My cat pretty much acclimated just fine. Eugene is grateful for my mother and sister's presences when I'm focused on something else and not paying attention to him. There is far more furniture to climb, and more small dark places to hide and sleep in. I groom his fur about every three days, and his appetite is similar - not that I would know the difference between Korean and American cat food.

I did make some changes for my own comfort. I bought a smart phone. I created a wireless network in the apartment, so I can use internet anywhere in the house. I spend a lot of time at the library, because it's much more quiet there since TV's are not allowed. My days are occupied by job searching, hanging out with friends, video games and a rapidly growing list of books on my Kindle Touch. When I play the MMORPG Maplestory, the subtle cultural influences from the game's having been developed by Koreans are far more obvious to me now. I bought classes in Mandarin that will start next month. I bought a YMCA membership so I can indulge in spiking my adrenaline when I get restless.

I get interviews, and I wait for the results. Let nothing curb the ambitions of this young woman.

A Wistful Letter

Goodbye, South Korea. You were kind of good to me.

There's too much going on inside you, and when crowds gather, everyone pushes everyone. I'm too short and impatient for that. Being outside of your structure has its benefits and drawbacks. While we are easily forgiven for any social faux pas that we commit, we are also not considered real people. Sometimes, when some people realize we don't speak Korean, we are simply dismissed with a hand wave. The older citizens of this country tend to be very pushy - and while most are well meaning, there are those who are downright condescending - like anywhere else, I suppose. I never enjoyed bowing. I could have, but didn't care about your fashion standards. My luck with jobs in you was also not great; I know some other people had a much better time than I did.

However.

You gave me an honest living for twenty months, and I met many friends here. I had many adventures that I will hold dear to my heart for many decades. Your kids taught me more words in your language than your adults did. I would still enjoy teaching. Isolated from American politics and the Western way of thinking for a while, I realized the effects upon me from where I grew up, who my parents are, and the small actions that I took. Both apartments that you provided me with were very easy to live in, and I felt at home. You gave me a cat. I experienced both rural Korean life and small city Korean culture. Your food was great. Your citizens are unexpectedly helpful at the most surprising moments. Your country is safe. You taught me that in struggles between individual and society, sometimes it's not so bad when society wins.

You taught me to live alone. You taught me to begin to pursue what I want, or even to begin to think about exactly what it is that I want.

Thank you.

These were all the thoughts running through my head as I repacked my luggage in front of the check-in counter to adhere to the "only one" rule, and then went to the ticketing counter to pay an extra $75 for the second luggage. These are the feelings falling from my steps as I went through security, then when the personnel at immigration took my Korean identity card away from me.

If I could hug a whole country and donate my tears, I would. There are surely things that I haven't done and seen yet, and someday, I will come back and pursue them.

For all my friends I met here, you better stay in contact - I am getting a smart phone and downloading Kakao Talk for sure!

First Time in Tokyo (Part 2)

Cafes are great places to chill and be sleepy after getting out of the airport. Currently, I'm at Cafe Oven around Hongdae with a finished plate of tiramisu and an empty cup of kiwi juice before me. Life is getting better all the time. I just got back to South Korea from Tokyo, Japan.

The last post spoke of the first four days I spent getting lost in Tokyo. And so, now we continue...

Fifth day. A friend and I finished some snacks and went to a cat cafe. It was one room with about ten plus cats, so the smell was pretty strong, even though I acclimated after about five minutes. Apparently, cats in Japan can have bent or curly tails, and long hairs are considered more luxurious. The cat cafe was really also a cat shelter and adoption center, because people can catch and bring in stray cats from the street, and the owner will take care of it until someone gives it another home.

Then we went to a sushi place. I think rice in Japan is sweeter, somehow - and the fish is always perfect. The tv was on, so we commented on how Japanese culture is very brightly colored, and not very dance based. When we went back to the hostel to sit down and watch The Grudge, I met another person. Within ten minutes, he proposed to me because he said it would be great to live in the USA. When I said that I wouldn't be tied down, he said that I can see other men, but then revoked that later when I asked how soon I could ask for a divorce. Does that make me a wicked woman?

For some reason, we all decided to go out for drinks. It was a big group of about ten people, and we couldn't decide on a bar, so we went to a grocery store for them to buy alcohol, and for me to buy two packets of fruit jelly and a red bean bun. Then we headed to the river, and there were three or four conversations, but I met another person, and she is the most well read American I've met while traveling. The only other person who can match up may be one of my best friends from college.

Day six. For some reason, I had agreed to a cross city bike ride to see the part of Tokyo that is next to the ocean - Odaiba. Biking is easy, right? So I thought, but the whole day took roughly 11 hrs - there were maybe 5 or 6 hrs of biking, and I had many scrapes and bruises the next day.

It was a group of about six people, and we got brunch at this famous mall place with different dishes from all parts of Japan. I had rice with beef and some onions. The view was beautiful, the food was good, and we all have this sense of achievement for our athleticism. Then we went to see the giant Gundam statue and the mall associated with it.  Then we went to the beach, where there were pet groundhogs and watched a sandy kids' soccer game. On the way back, there was a building with a ship's mast, and a giant Ghibli clock.

Probably I should have gone to sleep right after that. Instead, I went with three friends to walk around the streets and river again, watching one skateboard around. There was this odd cup shaped statue past the boardwalk with four holes, so we stuck our heads in it, and there was a mini garden inside. There were a spider and a slug near the hole where I stuck my head in.

Seventh day. Since it was the last day, I was determined to relax. A friend and I walked to the Tsukuba Express Line, where we rode 2 stops to Akihabara - anime fans' and collectors' heaven - again. On the way, we saw a man in a traditional monster outfit dancing on stilts. We went shopping in Akihabara in a store named Don Quijote - not sure if it's misspelled intentionally. This store has everything, but I only bought a dress. I'm good with time and money. Then on the upper floor, we played some Dance Dance Revolution and some drumming game. I thought, this trip was a lot more athletically intensive than I thought, from walking to biking to drumming until my forearms hurt.

When I came back, I met up with another group of people, and we walked in a circle to a ramen store after we found that Mos Burger was closed. It was delicious, even though I got a plain ramen. It was noodles with a slab of pork, a slice of seaweed and very thick soup with chopped onions.

Ending day. I woke up at 6am after sleeping for about 5 hrs with torrential dreams. I had packed everything the previous night, but then finalized it after eating and showering, then signed out - giving back the sheets and card key. Navigation from hostel to the airport was easy, with only one transfer. I ate Subways for breakfast. The lady I sat next to on the flight was a Korean lady who can speak her language, Japanese, English and Chinese.

Almost everyone I've met on this trip is at least bilingual; I've really got to learn more to get around this rapidly globalizing world. I'm delighted to find that no one is really all that racist - at least at first glance. I think it becomes a separate comfort level intrusion for the native citizens when a foreigner lives among them, and much more when one dates among them.

Fighting Over Kimchi (Part 1)

Aah. I had just showered, and am brimming with happiness. It was an awesome weekend, and I wish it weren't ending. Buddha's Birthday weekend was a rare three-day weekend, and I spent it in Seoul, Cheongju and Daejeon.

In Cheongju, four friends came to visit, and I showed them around a city that I had only lived in for roughly 8 months. The only specific request was a visit to Subway, so I led everyone to the basement of the DreamPlus mall, where there is one Subway outlet. There are 3 Subways in total in Cheongju, I later found out, though I only knew of 2. My friend really enjoyed a pizza sub, which she didn't get to have when she went back to America. So we all savored subs - except for me, because I was silly and ate a peanut butter jelly sandwich right before setting out. I'm happy they all enjoyed the sandwiches so much.

We wandered around the rest of DreamPlus, where we checked out little private fashion stores that are all in rented space. They liked the not-crowded and relaxed atmosphere of the place, and amidst all the shiny, I bought myself a classier watch. It has an oval face, with a leather band and circular metal studs. 40,000 won. A while of wandering around in the mall later, we decided to go outside. Conversations about everything make us very slow walkers, and it was a relaxing day, so we go with the flow.

Five people pack into a taxi, and then it looks like a clown car. I sat on my friend's lap, and we went to Sajik-dong. We got off a block from the bus stop, because we were going to find the small lake or pond, but the bus that I rode to get there last time wasn't running that day.

We noticed the stadium, where I explained that the steps and the extra huge television screen are for people who didn't get tickets in time - they can sit on the stairs to snack while watching the game on the tv outside of the stadium. There was also a statue to the side, almost Greek looking, explaining some part of Korean history. Near it are the mascots for Cheongju, little cartoon characters, because all cities in Korea must have mascots. My friends stopped to smell the bright flowers in front of them. We noted the big bonsai tree behind the flowers.

A block later, we head to the golden temple. It was the first time that I had seen it open, perhaps because of the holiday. We wandered and pointed at the buildings, saying hi to the old lady keepers and commenting on things. There were two: one was Chinese styled and painted brightly, a dormitory where the religious family lives; and the other was the temple itself, painted gold and usually locked. The old lady was nice enough to unlock it for us as a random treat. Inside, she explained the turtle dragon, which accompanies the most powerful god places. It reminded me of the robots from Power Rangers.

On the second floor, there were five gods, the biggest one in the center dwarfing all the rest. They were sorted by size and position: nearer to the center and taller means more important. Their Chinese names were framed in front of them. We bowed. They had different styled hats, were all painted gold, and their faces looked both stern and concerned at the same time. We went upstairs to see the biggest god, who had his palm out in the stop position and the other hand holds a giant pearl of sorts. He was also painted gold, with a topknot in a crown on his head. The space above his head was painted with 4 mantras. When we asked about the pearl in the king's hand, the language barrier got in the way, so the lady led us back down to their offices and showed everyone a short history book, in English, about everything that is this temple. I'm waiting on a friend to finish reading it so I can learn too.

Then we wandered around pet street, looking at dogs and cats and pet food. I bought my Eugene another bag of food. All the animals were so cute. We stopped for drinks at a 7-11 before deciding to hop on a bus after all. We rode to Shinae, the downtown area, before deciding we will sit on a pretty bridge. We stopped by for ice cream at Baskin Robbins on the way, and my friend got a bapbingsu, an ice cream mix with lots of ice. I got the Blueberry Volcano, blueberry ice cream with butter cookies and mint candy. After we went and sat on the dragon-ribs shaped bridge for a good long while, we went for dinner.

I took them to haejonggook, which means hangover soup. We all got the sugolgi one, which means beef with vegetables, soup and purple rice plus the usual appetizers. We had good conversations about our mothers and random subjects, and the meal was very fulfilling. Then I had to pack and go back to Daejeon with them for our ziplining trip the next day. They met my cat, while I hung up underwear and packed for the next day. I still had to go back once for some things I had missed.

Then, like clowns, we all hopped into a taxi once again. The driver, seeing that we were all foreigners, was trying to say to us that Daejeon was just a short distance, so we don't need to go to a bus terminal and he can just take us there instead. I told him, no, that costs too much, and he faced the road again sheepishly. We had a good ol' time making fun of ourselves and of him, and he informed us that he has a Canadian cousin and that he would visit soon. He was smiling when we all exited his taxi. You just know that we made his night.

Company Trip

My brain is tripped out on leftover adrenaline and endorphins right now. Ahh, exercise. Wait, I came here to narrate. Hi! Since the last post, dear coworkers and I had gone on a very surreal company trip to a small handful of places - all of which were beautiful. On Sunday, I hung out with my best friend and we bought hiking boots for me and he gave me a Domo hat. Then one of the easier work week happened for five days, and this past weekend... What did I do on Saturday? I hung out with three girl friends for a Children's Day festival and then enjoyed Avengers with a few new friends on Sunday.

It's amazing that I was able to remember all that. It took a tiny bit of work and looking at random pieces of paper that I had written down on over these past two weeks, mind you. Anyhow, on to the stories. =)

We all stood around awkwardly after arriving at about 8:30am in front of the office building, then we got piled onto a rented tour bus outfitted with flashing lights and a karaoke system. Almost every hour, we stopped for bathroom breaks. The first place we went to was a beach-side seafood restaurant. My, do I Love raw fish. While other people started drinking, I was consuming the essences of the ocean. The conversation around the table was about what exactly is healthy, and giant ginseng roots, and then a Canadian coworker had to awkwardly insult all the Korean men at the table by asking them why there are so many herbs and products that are supposed to help sexual stamina. "Do Korean men really need it, or something?" I told this coworker he was a bad egg in the silence that had fallen over the table. Soon after, the boss told us that we should go walk around the beach - so we did.

The sand was so soft, and the sun was just high enough in the sky. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. All the other women had went ahead to walk by themselves, so that Canadian coworker, a Korean man and I took off our shoes and strolled along the oceanic foam. We made fun of each other, as people do, talking about Diablo 3 which had come out recently, all the different kinds of beer around the world, and the way a towel is the most necessary thing for a traveler - one of the things that he learned from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which I'm ashamed to say I haven't read yet. Then we wiped off our feet to pile back onto the bus and head to our next stop - a Buddhist temple.

Most Buddhist temples look the same. They're all in high places, but this one is especially commercialized with restaurants and a woodsy walkway leading up to it. I had started taking pictures. My two traveling companions and I started talking about religion and those kinds of beliefs, and why a person should focus on either the here and now, or the afterlife. When we came back down to find the bus, the rest of the crew were somewhere enjoying the rice wine near the temple. The Korean man was sad that he had missed it, but neither the Canadian nor I want to drink. We sat in the shade of the bus until everyone came back.

After everyone got on the bus, we're now going to the last stop on this trip, which is a barley field. When we got there, the sun was fairly low in the sky, so it cast a warm glow over everything it touched. The grass and the barley moved with the wind like waves, and tourists like ourselves populated the little dirt paths in between the vegetation. There were horses, very tired horses pulling horses, and in a fenced in area somewhere to the left middle, there were sheep. I liked the smell of barley - I eat so much wheat and bread based products that it's practically all I'm made of. My Korean and Canadian coworkers fed bits of plants to the sheep, because apparently, they made my Korean coworker uncomfortable so the Canadian suggested that he should go feed them to overcome his fear. There were little tents of products, but everyone was very drunk still and we didn't stay long.

On one part of the trip where we were all on the bus, a bunch of drunk men decided to blast the karaoke system on the bus with its flashing lights and sing and dance awkwardly. None of them looked particularly good dancing, and half of the bus was trying to sleep so they were all very irritated. Apparently, it gave one woman a headache, and she said that all this is distracting to the driver, so technically it's illegal. I was amused at the whole lack of intelligence in the situation, especially when one of the Korean American men demanded that the bus be stopped so he can pee. So then a couple of men peed together by the side of the highway.

We all got back to Cheongju about roughly 9pm or so. The sky was dark. The director asked me if I enjoyed it, and I said yes, I had fun. It's hard not to have fun when given a free tour of places I've never been before, along with free food, and then being perpetually amused the whole way at all the social awkwardnesses my Korean and one Canadian coworkers can impose on each other because we were the people who didn't have a valid reason that the management could accept to get out of this trip. It was a situational comedy. So yes, I had fun.

Cycles of the Moon

During quieter moments, I often wonder how life would be different for me if I were Korean and had to go through this school system. They study roughly sixteen to eighteen hours a day. Up until recently, that included Saturdays as well, which means only one resting day. Aside from art class, most of the curriculum is comprised of memorizing ginormous amounts of information. I have no doubt that were I in one of their places, I would be much less likely to be the writer I am today. Their legal system is completely different, so I would imagine the whole process of getting published is also completely different. I love their equivalent of Borders, though.

Nevertheless, they are who they are, and I am myself. Once more a semester has ended, and another new one has begun. Most of it is the same, but I have two new textbooks to teach to fairly low level kids. Aside from the usual grappling against altering my own style to suit these books, there are a few more challenges this semester. One of them is the familiar challenge of kids staring at me because they have no idea what I'm talking about - I'm just the strange foreigner who's telling them what to do and they're trying to figure it out. The other is that since Sean quit, everyone in the office has at least one day per week where we teach five classes in a row. This makes for really long days, and for me, they are Monday and Thursday.

Some students leveled up, and others didn't. Every class is new, because there is at least one kid I don't know. But there is a comfort level with the kids that I do know. The other challenge is that not all the textbooks came at the same time, so there are some classes where we had to basically make up some random thing for them to do. The head teacher decided to make them write a self introduction essay and then present it. I got called in for a talking to because some kids said others were playing with their cell phones, and also some say I was under prepared. It's not just the kids who don't have books sometimes, though - we teachers don't get copies of the books for some classes.

In terms of personal challenges, sometimes I feel that maybe because Koreans grew up in such a competitive society, they get used to acting like they always have something to prove. Literally everything is a competition. Today I was told that it's common for students to put their test scores on their resumes for consideration by colleges, and then later, as graduates for consideration by jobs. Everyone seems to have a do or die attitude.

The academy owner likes to annoy me by keeping close tabs and coming into my classes in attempts to point out things that I've missed. For example, after I got a talking to about some students playing with their phones, he caught someone and took the student's phone in front of me. I'm sure that in his mind, he's trying to help and this is his way of motivating me or something, but I really just feel harassed.

Then I feel like this is the way this society works. If someone higher than you in status feels like you're not doing something that you ought to, they'll just harass and alternatively make your life miserable until you hide all your feelings of scorn and contempt for them, even if you take only the most minimalist steps in doing what they want.

From what I gather, the whole atmosphere when it comes to foreigners has become somewhat more hostile. Because another coworker is quitting soon, the academy owner is urging us to turn our documents in to him again, to make sure that the organization has hold of our visas, with the excuse that it's an order from the government. The government itself is making the contracts of even the public school teachers much more dependent on their staying for the entire duration of the contract. In somewhat related news, I just got my national criminal background check, but I wonder if it's worth the effort to find another job in this country if it means staying here for a longer period of time.

Combo Finisher - Korea, Year One End

Saying goodbye to the munchkins was a heartrending process. The kids themselves made the work very difficult for someone without experience, but also make it so worth it. Even though the fifth and sixth graders were fairly jaded because they knew two other English teachers before myself, they still expressed sadness at my leaving.

For me, it was the beginning of the end when I translated all those kiddie speeches from Korean - with a lot of help from Google Translate - where I gained a better understanding of what each kid from grades third to sixth cared about from their essays. While coteacher assigned different topics for each grade, every speech was still unique and there was even one about how being wheelchair bound inspires him to become a social worker to help other people like himself. However, my coteacher didn't announce that I was leaving until exactly one week before I had to leave - Thursday.

Since he's probably going to have to take over teaching English for the half a year that Daenam Elementary School will not have a native English teacher, he told me to sit out the Thursdays, whereas before I would lesson plan by either expanding on a topic from the book or feeding the students vocabulary based on my interests. It doesn't make much of a difference time-wise, but it felt like I was less of a teacher. When I'm alone with the kids Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays were taken up by reading story books that I found , including Go, Dog, Go! for the younger kids and Peter Pan (the skeletally diluted version that comes with both a cd and Korean text in the back from EMart) for the older ones. Afterschool was games - who doesn't love games? Especially when I reward the winners with candy or stickers.

After the school day was over though, I cleaned and packed. Cleaning out my dormitory was a conscious process of deciding what's important, so the least important but worth keeping things were packed first. I had four luggages and my backpack and a handful of other bags plus the cat and his things. I did not travel lightly. Every other weekend, I would drag one of these luggages over to a friend's apartment who lives closer to Cheongju. It was the only way that I was able to take everything I wanted on moving day and not fill my coteacher's caravan to the brim. Those decisions weren't the hardest part. The hardest part was scrubbing out all the patches of cat hair mixed with my own hair that were ejected from under the washing machine and had accumulated on the bathroom floor. Grossed out yet?

Between cleaning my dormitory and the English classroom, my students gave me gifts. There were some handwritten letters that I enjoyed, expressing their heartfelt goodbyes. I received a plastic bouquet, a fan, a highlighter, a plastic rose, a mirror, some soap, and a few other things I hadn't had time to open yet. My teachers insisted on a goodbye dinner, though it was the most awkward affair ever, because I can't drink well and had no idea what to say when I'm supposed to make my rounds and toast people. So my coteacher urged me on and I had to stand up and give short speeches. They gave me a bag of Skinfood products. I felt special and popular, all the while knowing that they're just doing this out of courtesy and tradition. That was on Friday.

I even had a final disagreement with my coteacher. He and the administrator were checking my dormitory before the staff goodbye dinner. I had cleaned everything, but because I was still packing, there was clutter in places and my coteacher took one look and said, "No clean?" This was because when Koreans say clean, they mean organized and dust free. I was disappointed that he didn't even look at the areas I did clean, considering I worked so hard. It was part of the reason the staff dinner was so awkward - I wasn't in the mood for it, because I was irritated at him. Skip past Saturday and Sunday where I'm hanging out with English speaking friends - though there was a mildly interesting Korean American Friendship Festival on Sunday in Songtan.

On Monday, I had less clutter, but there were still a few bags on the small kitchen table, and some clothes strewn about the sofa because I was either still using them or planning to use them. Coteacher and administrator checked all the items off the list that they had to make sure everything is still there, but my coteacher still said, "You think this is clean?" gesturing at the kitchen table and the couch. Even the administrator paused and said, "Ooh... Smile again."

Coteacher waited til he was outside then went on to try to say that he wanted me to clear things so that it was like when I arrived, and I explained that everything still out are objects that I'm keeping. I have no sense of timing, because I asked that moment whether I'd still be in a car on my way to Cheongju or a bus since my recruiter had new information on where he wanted to meet. He said if I didn't clean the dormitory AND the English classroom to his satisfaction within the next few hours, then he's no longer driving me - good luck , I'm taking the bus and going alone, which would add roughly three or four hours to my commute.

I listen to him because I was going to do it all anyway, but he was just impatient and wanted it done by a very specific moment on Monday. Still, it didn't feel good, and I walked past them without saying much on my way to the English classroom to clean. It was much easier to deal with than the dormitory - I just put all the waste paper in the can, wiped down the desk and all the tables, swept the floor, then proceeded the mop it with all purpose cleaner. He wanted it to be like before I arrived, so I moved several pieces of furniture, pulled up the blinds and opened all the curtains. - All while singing to songs my friends suggested and dancing with the mop. The adrenaline made my bad mood go away, though it didn't erase this memory.

Tuesday. I get up early to finish packing all the little odds and ends, clothes, toiletries, and others. It takes me two hours to do that and finish with all the cat objects as well as urge him into the carrier. I visit my librarian friend, who also made me something. I sadly bade my goodbyes - she was the only person I can relate to in some form at that school, though the kids are great and the other teachers were all well meaning. Coteacher led me around to say goodbye to every teacher who was around individually, as well as the principal. So there we have it - no more Daenam, unless I actually take up their offer to visit.

An Intersection of Culture in Everyone

DISCLAIMER: If I stereotype people or sound racist at any time during this post, I'm sorry and I don't mean any harm. It's just to get a point across.

Taking a taxi cab ride back from Shihwa Emart, I had yet another conversation with another driver - probably because driving a taxi is not the most exciting job on the planet, so they enjoy talking to their clients when there's something interesting about them, and when their language skills are up to par. This time it was because I had in arm a box of cleaning supplies half my size, so taking the bus to downtown Daebudo would not be enough to get me home even though I have a bike parked there at the moment. This driver, like a handful of other drivers, asked me where I was from, and then whether I was Korean American.

Conversations like these happen to me a lot. I hypothesize that, aside from a few key areas in Seoul, there aren't that many foreigners in Korean daily life - especially not out here, in the countryside, and they're curious. So after I tell them, no, I'm Chinese American, I get a range of reactions. Usually, it would be disinterest, and then the conversation would be over. I never knew why until today. This driver told me that he felt Koreans judged the Chinese based on the few handful of them who have immigrated here to South Korea for a better quality of life. The Korean Chinese people he's met, he told me, didn't seem very intelligent.

You can imagine why this was a very odd thing for me to hear. I didn't debate with him because I lacked the communication skills and didn't want to offend him, but I really didn't understand how the Chinese in mainland China would be all that different from Korean Chinese people if all they did was immigrate here. Let me take a moment here to clarify what I think are the key differences in Chinese culture and Korean culture today. (All Asians look the same! It's such an old joke, really.)

The old Confucian beliefs in ancestor worship, bowing and the idea that elders know better are rapidly dying in China now, whereas they seem to be very much alive in South Korea. While the Chinese government has been carefully monitoring the internet for fear of dissension, internet freedom is so free here that there are almost no copyright laws, which means that most international media creators won't allow a lot of their work here for fear that it'd be stolen. The feminist movement is far more under way in China than it is here in South Korea. The Chinese trade industry focuses on whatever it can get its hands on, whereas the South Korean trade focuses on computers, cars, televisions and small electronics. Chinese cooking is very varied, and there aren't nearly as many side dishes. So these are a few differences. (I can't tell the difference between Irish, Scottish and Swedish either, honestly. Sorry, Europeans.)

Swinging back to what the taxi driver was saying, hearing that he thought Korean Chinese aren't very bright is a huge contrast to back home where Asian people - the majority of which are Chinese Americans - are the model minority. The stereotype probably came from wealthy Chinese families who kept the academic culture of severely pushing their children to achieve high grades because they believe in the value of education. This still exists to some extent today (further extrapolated on in Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother). However, most Chinese American parents I've met are more like mine - there's a lot of nagging to do well in school, but rarely are there beatings, and the parenting style is moreso an overwhelming - overbearing? haha - concern rather than a domineering strictness where failure is met with punishment.

My parents, unlike most Chinese American parents, however, are still starkly Maoist-Communist. It's an odd ideology to come home to, when the chapter in World History from eighth grade was mainly about how (before China was invaded by Japan and millions of both Korean and Chinese women were made into comfort women) Mao Zedong was rapidly destroying China through his Five Year Plans because he didn't actually know anything about mining or that kind of technology, and millions of people were starving because they were trying to keep up with his quotas. Or the way he grew old and senile and paranoid, so he killed a lot of people who he thought was trying to wrestle power from him.

What my mother grew up in, however, was a beautifully engineered propaganda program where people's lives were great and prosperous because of Mao's ideas, and furthermore, most importantly, they were united with strong family values. Family is family, and a bunch of families together form a community, and these are the things that people relied on, in a fast-paced world of industrialization, Westernization, communism-to-capitalism ideology and globalization. This is similar to the way I grew up being told that I can be whatever I want to be, life is going to be easy because I'm an American, and that all I really need to do is be curious, learn, and do a lot of soul searching. (How's that economy holding up, America? If the rich still refuse to pay taxes and help, and there are still no jobs being created, some Robin Hoods are going to start popping up everywhere.)

This cab driver wasn't interested in America, like most of the other drivers were. He told me he really respected the Chinese, because they are a strong and humble people. (I thanked him, but is that really true? I'm not mainland Chinese enough to actually know?) He thought that my parents must have had a strict upbringing, therefore I must have had one too. (I said I did, but not really - I was never beaten, and my mother's main concern was that I don't starve. I eat! Why doesn't anyone believe me?)

My mother probably had a strict childhood, though. She was the only girl among three brothers, so while she can take rough and tumble like any tomboy, she was the designated secondary caretaker in the family when my grandmother was ill or otherwise absent. The oldest son was allowed to go to London with my grandfather to get a European education and get interested in computers. So my mother did all the yelling and screaming and disciplining, which means that she must have had to have been the model child. The humility part might have been true of my mother - she accepted everything life threw at her, wrapping her mind around everything she couldn't understand or change; the only place she would have things absolutely her way was the kitchen.

This is as opposed to the American international policy, where we must have our way everywhere because we must know better. In my country's defense, Americans have really good intentions to the point of almost being naive. Or opposed to the South Korean policy towards all foreigners: our country, our rules, and we don't really care if it doesn't make sense to you, as long as it makes sense to us. But your army still needs to stay here to protect us from the North Koreans, because we can't talk to them when that crazy man is running things over there. Or even the Chinese international policy: did you want to buy something from us? If yes, fabulous, if no, well what did you want? We have a hard enough time dealing with our factories, pollution and overpopulation as is, we don't care about your country's take on how we're doing things, screw off. Shut up about human rights, worry about your own like Walmart and Microsoft and McDonalds first. We don't want to hear it.

I'm Chinese American. When most people look at me, they see an Asian woman. When they talk to me, I find that they tend to emphasize one of my cultures over the other. When I look at myself, I see an American heavily influenced by Chinese ideas in a small, moderately active Southeast Asian body. When I talk to myself, I think I should learn Mandarin - I speak Cantonese - and write the language so that I can either become an interpreter, a teacher or a cutthroat businesswoman.

(Said in an old lady's voice with mock Chinese accent - One More Thing: We might have talked before, I can't remember ...)

South Korean Fashion

This time, I distinguished between North and South Korea because I haven't had a chance to visit North Korea, and also I hear that the Kim Jong Il personality cult doesn't allow for much freedom of expression, so I assume this would be true in terms of fashion, as well. The two countries are getting farther apart culturally the longer they remain separated, so despite all attempts at conversation, they will now have to deal with a new invisible barrier between them.

Nevertheless, Seoul is one of the fashion capitals of the world, not far after Paris and New York City. Of course, the leaders of the fashion industry are the pop stars and actors who dominate the small screen, and sometimes even the big screen. My personal favorites among them are 4minute, 2PM, Big Bang, Girls' Generation, and Taeyang. While there are individual artists, they generally start out performing with other people until their names are better known. G-Dragon and Hyuna are two good examples.

Starting with the hair, almost everyone here has bangs. They just don't like to show their foreheads and like to try to emphasize their eyes. With the face, large eyes with the crease in the eyelids are favored, paired with a small to medium sized nose, and everyone loves a pair of luscious lips. Skin wise, Koreans like their complexions very pale, so they avoid the sun unless they are farmers, fishermen, or other types of laborers. Like with other countries, this is more of a class issue. However, Korean women have a kind of cream that they put on their faces, with other makeup, daily to make sure their skin is light enough to be fashionable. They aim for a healthy looking complexion that ideally glows.

In terms of body types, most Koreans are very skinny, especially compared to Americans. Women are generally just skinny unless they were born with a bigger body type, which they would be continuously ridiculed for throughout their childhoods. Men have skinny, slim - which really muscular - or business, which is kind of a Buddha body type lite. Unless they are athletes or labor workers, no one generally exercises. They drive wherever they go, there are taxis around, and when they're not working twelve hours a day or having fun singing, drinking or at some event, they just kind of sit. There's the television and lots of video games to occupy them. Video games seem to be an activity that people of all ages partake in here.

A few days ago, a few of my teachers were poking at my shins and asking me why they are so hard. I didn't understand the question, so I poked them back and sure enough, their shins are really soft. Like there's bone, and then soft flesh. I told them that I have dry skin, yes, but also that my legs are made of muscle from walking everywhere and so often. And biking, as well. They oohed and aahed. This was particularly funny to me, because I am not fit. I am very skinny, yes, but I can develop more strength in my core and glutes. The fact that they literally have no muscle unless they are labor workers puzzle me, because they still do the things normal people do, like carry groceries, wash dishes, clean the floors, etc. How can a person not develop muscle from managing a house daily?

And even their houses are very fashionable. Things are put away, clutter is always discouraged - because they believe that a cluttered desk or room is evidence of the owner's cluttered mind. Interesting connection, right? So you would never find clothes strewn all over a Korean floor.

Since I'm Chinese American, I can fit into most of this clothing, and have been earning enough money, that I can afford to experiment a little bit here and there with everything. For the women, their tops are very loose - nothing like the tight tank tops that Americans sometimes wear. While tight tank tops are sold here, they are considered undershirts or kind of street trashy wear. Revealing cleavage is very much frowned upon. Because Asian women have a different body build, almost all the bras here fit breast sizes AA to B, maybe rarely a C. Oh, and I love Korean panties. I'm not sure what kind of fabric they use, but it's very smooth and deal with sweat and wetness exceedingly well. Part of this must have to do with the great technology and temperate climate they have here. Skinny jeans and short shorts are very common here. The women here have no problem revealing their legs. In the winter, long black panty hose is also favored. There are many styles of socks, including these fuzzy socks that are comfortable and good for winter. There's almost an infinite number of styles for shoes, more than half of them high heels taller than two and a half inches.

Young Korean men sport tight pants as well, though this is no longer true once he enters either the army - military draft is mandatory here - or goes into the work force. Men, as usual, don't have as many fashion choices as women do, but here they seem to have more comfortable athletic pants options, as well as many more styles of sneakers. I've been told that the men's underwear are also very smooth, absorbent and comfortable. There's this booklet at every mall for tips on how to pair the right colors and patterns between collared shirts and ties. They generally pair vests and sweaters with white collared shirts for business wear, and there's the general tshirt and jeans or athletic wear for other days. There are more styles of tshirts or long sleeve shirts than I've seen in America.

Now, Nobody I've seen from other countries can accessorize like a Korean, and I mean that in the most magazine girlish voice possible. For women, there are a good number of hair ornaments, from elastics to head bands, to clips. There's also earrings for those with holes in their earlobes, though holes elsewhere like noses and the tips of one's ears are generally reserved for performers or rebellious youth. There's of course a good number of necklaces and pendants to go with the plainer shirts or dresses. Men sometimes wear earrings and necklaces too. Both genders can wear rings on their fingers, ranging from plastic to karat gold. Styles of belts are many, but if people wear anklets, I have not seen them. There's also color contacts, glasses, the whole routine of makeup, tattoos (rarely) and nail polish. And that's just on their bodies.

Off their bodies, some of the clothing come with accessories, like suspenders, or pockets in various places where even the insides are decorated. Jackets keep them warm in colder weather, and can be worn around the waist, around the shoulders or draped over some furniture showing off. Sometimes there are arm coolers in the summer, made of some fabric that supposedly really does cool you off. There's a really impressive array of styles for purses and bags, which seem to be unisex generally. Everyone from someone who's six years old to the oldest person you see on the subway has a cell phone. On these cell phones and their purses are various charms that you can buy at almost any store in Korea. There are anime or cartoon icons, random fluffy animals, other symbols - almost anything can be found. Koreans match the colors of these charms to their phones and bags. Some phone charms have uses, like my Hello Kitty that has a memory chip inside of it for taking the subway, or a USB, or a stylus/antennae that makes using the phone itself easier.

Everything comes in fairly bright colors for the young, which seem to either go into the extremes of neon or just fade into gray and black as the people wearing them get older. The people here care a lot about their personal sense of style because they're status symbols, and also because they don't really get to express their personalities much in other areas of life.

On Fear of the Unknown or Misunderstood

This afternoon, because the internet was down and I could no longer in all practicality do any work, I visited my librarian. This was not the same librarian from previous entries, because that helpful woman was moved to another post - nursemaid. This new librarian is four years younger than me, and will continue her study of English when she has enough money to continue her college career. Her English name is Catherine. She confessed that she was afraid of Americans from a somewhat negative prior experience.

When she was at university, one of her professors was this middle aged Korean American woman. However, she didn't really speak any Korean and was actually Americanized enough to have a white husband. Catherine noted that the professor actually doesn't identify herself with being Korean at all, and differentiated herself from native Koreans. She additionally thought that the professor didn't like her because, one time she had requested to turn in an assignment late, but the professor had refused, saying that the deadline was over. Apparently, sometimes Catherine talked to her friends during class, so the professor would pick her to ask her a question; when Catherine didn't understand, the professor would get angry and sometimes lecture her in English. My librarian said that she was scared.

I asked how old the professor was, and she had answered, around forty. Then I told her about culture shock, and how when I first came here, it was hard for me to accept most situations, so it must be even harder for this relatively older woman. Then I reasoned that perhaps some of my students thought that way about me as well, when I yelled at them for not paying attention. Then I told her about the story of how my coteacher and I had come to many misunderstandings. (One of my earlier posts on this blog, actually.) Then I told her about how my principal said that Asians should stick together. I mentioned that since I grew up in the U.S., that white people black people and people of other nationalities are pretty much the same to me once I've actually spoken to them, but that misunderstandings are fairly common because everyone is much more likely to judge the foreign person - especially if that person seems unfriendly for whatever reason.

Then I amended myself, regaling how about maybe two hundred years ago, the U.S. was made of mostly or only white people - and at the time, they were afraid of black people. Once those black people got Americanized, the next people to be feared were the Asians - specifically the Japanese, but sometimes now the Chinese. When they too have been Americanized, currently it is more so the Mexicans and the gay people. She seemed surprised by that, but also felt that gay people were to be feared. (She's a devout Christian, and I get the feeling that it's fairly conservative, not to mention GLBTs have not been able to come out in this country much yet.) The last things I said to her about this topic was that I don't think gay people are all that different either, they just tend to prefer their own gender. And that these feelings and politics are issues that Americans, and probably all countries of the world, will continue struggling with.

I don't hope to change her mind. However, by being friends with her, I hope she realizes that Americans aren't in any sense of the word uniform, and that specific situations and positions of authority can blur things a bit. As for the rest of the ideas about fear and racism, even if she doesn't agree with me, I'm happy that she listened patiently enough. Maybe knowing that these ideas are out there would help her see foreigners and the rest of the world in a different light when next she meets them. I know that for certain that by coming here, I am certainly going through a whole reality of changes that I would otherwise never even have considered.

Ideas on Neatness and Purity

Because of the largely still evident influences from ancient Confucian China, South Korea can be a somewhat traditional society depending on the area of the country you are working in and the number of older Koreans that you have talked to.

In the United States where I'm from, Boston specifically, the standards on neatness and personal cleanliness are more dictated by what is kosher in business. Business casual or more formal is recommended at all times when in the view of one's employees and employers, unless the place you are working for specifically says otherwise or you have a uniform to don every time you go to work.

In South Korea, people are taught from a young age (as young as age five or six), not to have messy hair, or to cover it up with a hat if you do. Stains and lint on one's clothing are marks of bad taste. While no one would say anything about wrinkled shirts, it is not recommended. Many women always wear makeup, especially if they have pimples (which they call "trouble") or birth marks to cover up on their faces. Almost everyone has a fairly developed fashion sense, so one would be hard put to find anyone who wears clothing with clashing colors. This goes for the men as well, though it's true that a certain point after retirement, old women might stop caring nearly as much.

Even the shoes are kept clean. My Korean washing machine has a setting that's just for washing shoes. They make a distinction between outdoor shoes and indoor shoes. While I choose not to abide by it, I'm supposed to wear socks with slippers at work, or these closed toe slippers that is easy to find in any random fashion and school supplies store. My coteacher had told me that it is impolite for people to show bare feet outside of their own homes, but since spring is here and summer is coming, I've been seeing a lot of open toed sandals and even flip flops, so I believe that these social constraints are loosening to the point where they are nonexistent anymore in the cities. Many Korean women also wear heels to boost the appearance of their hind sides, and there are very many styles. While the idea is intriguing to me, I find balance to be an issue.

The convenience stores here also sell men and women's underwear by the pair, as well as tights or dress stockings for women. Therefore, I think it is reasonable to assume that this is for really busy people who might forget to change such things, and that having holes in one's stockings is also not okay by Korean standards.

All of this goes back to the ideas of neatness and purity because this is such a family and couples oriented society. This means that because everyone is supposed to be trying to impress their friends, coworkers and bosses, as well as potential dating partners all the time, looking healthy, alert and clean cut seems to be a social necessity at all times. This may explain why Seoul is one of the fashion capitals of the world, next to Paris and New York.

While I appreciate the aesthetics of this culture, I am not trying too hard to fit into them because I don't think I'm expected to, and it would be impossible for me anyway. I do have the convenience of being able to fit into most of the clothing here provided that it is the right size for me, but the idea of having to put on makeup all the time tires me out. And while I have enough clothes, not re-wearing any outfits throughout the week would just contribute to too much laundry. Oh, and I should mention that this personal neatness standard extends to possessions as well. I am apparently expected to clean a very neat and clean desk as well as apartment at all times. I confess to not living up to these expectations much at all, and I feel chagrin much of the time when I realize I am being judged.

However, I will say that I am very happy with the way they cut hair here. While it's not nearly as detailed as Chinese or Taiwanese styles when it comes to layering, the way they cut bangs is very satisfactory, and no salons in the U.S. except maybe in New York can compare. Since I bought contact lenses for myself, I will also say that the way they quickly examine your eyes at the glasses shops and then let you browse through the brands according to prices are very efficient, as well. While I also haven't been yet, I hear that the spas, massages and other cosmetic treatments here are also very cost effective. Cosmetic surgery is a big industry here, and it's actually very common to get work done. However, I'm too vain to think that I would ever need that.

So personal appearances are very much valued. Another nugget is that if a woman is seen with a man, others will start asking questions immediately about whether they are dating. Therefore, the women here either go on group dates where they are just having fun or looking for a partner, or they don't interact with the men in their lives outside of work at all. The only time a woman here interacts with a man outside of work is perhaps if she is giving a man a chance to pursue her. The men are also very aggressive when pursuing women - he may try to monopolize her attention in any way that he can. People socialize with other people of their own gender all the time, though. That is only among heterosexuals. There is not yet a community or culture of homosexuality here in South Korea yet, and if so, it is very much underground. Cheating on a partner one is married to is against the law here.

Korean Driving

Everyone has a GPS - who needs a map? For a country that's about the size of Pennsylvania, it's interesting that they don't bother to navigate. Out in the rural areas where I am situated, there are also no sidewalks, which can be a bit hazardous in the dark or the winter, but I am careful.

Everyone seems to own something between a sedan to a caravan; if it's a mobile business, then they might have a van for their wares, but overall, people here are not a fan of huge vehicles. Maybe this is because that might be more dangerous, considering that most Koreans switch lanes very quickly and use their left or right signals only for a second or two. There are very few red cars, or any cars with bright colors. I think the most well known company is Daewoo.

The bigger the city, the wider the roads, but that applies anywhere. Only a few crosswalks have traffic lights with buttons for pedestrians to push. Their crosswalks are generally kept new and well colored. During the traffic jams, the block can last for a long time, but it's still generally faster paced than the awkwardness on a Massachusetts highway. When it comes to accidents, even a scratch is considered an accident here, so then both parties put on their warning lights right in the middle of the road and exchange insurance information. They don't bother to pull over to the side.

As far as I can see, all the Korean vehicles are stick shift. They also have an extra knob on their steering wheels so that they can make turns more accurately and swiftly, which is necessary for avoiding other cars, navigating tight streets in the rural areas and such. Some Koreans don't wear seatbelts - they don't consider it a necessity.

This is my first winter here, and they don't have snow salt. They use shovels, there are no snow plows, and they put sand on top of the snow which barely helps. Sometimes they also use water to melt the snow, which just turns it into ice, but I guess makes the area more flat.

It's not clear to me whether they make room for police cars and ambulances when these emergency vehicles have to pass. The emergency cars have sirens on them, but... While there are some drivers in the US who would let the other guy pass out of niceness or for the heck of it, that rarely or never happens here. There's also a lot less room between cars on a busy street. And if you're taking public transportation, the buses generally don't wait for people - neither does the subway.