On Fear of the Unknown or Misunderstood

This afternoon, because the internet was down and I could no longer in all practicality do any work, I visited my librarian. This was not the same librarian from previous entries, because that helpful woman was moved to another post - nursemaid. This new librarian is four years younger than me, and will continue her study of English when she has enough money to continue her college career. Her English name is Catherine. She confessed that she was afraid of Americans from a somewhat negative prior experience.

When she was at university, one of her professors was this middle aged Korean American woman. However, she didn't really speak any Korean and was actually Americanized enough to have a white husband. Catherine noted that the professor actually doesn't identify herself with being Korean at all, and differentiated herself from native Koreans. She additionally thought that the professor didn't like her because, one time she had requested to turn in an assignment late, but the professor had refused, saying that the deadline was over. Apparently, sometimes Catherine talked to her friends during class, so the professor would pick her to ask her a question; when Catherine didn't understand, the professor would get angry and sometimes lecture her in English. My librarian said that she was scared.

I asked how old the professor was, and she had answered, around forty. Then I told her about culture shock, and how when I first came here, it was hard for me to accept most situations, so it must be even harder for this relatively older woman. Then I reasoned that perhaps some of my students thought that way about me as well, when I yelled at them for not paying attention. Then I told her about the story of how my coteacher and I had come to many misunderstandings. (One of my earlier posts on this blog, actually.) Then I told her about how my principal said that Asians should stick together. I mentioned that since I grew up in the U.S., that white people black people and people of other nationalities are pretty much the same to me once I've actually spoken to them, but that misunderstandings are fairly common because everyone is much more likely to judge the foreign person - especially if that person seems unfriendly for whatever reason.

Then I amended myself, regaling how about maybe two hundred years ago, the U.S. was made of mostly or only white people - and at the time, they were afraid of black people. Once those black people got Americanized, the next people to be feared were the Asians - specifically the Japanese, but sometimes now the Chinese. When they too have been Americanized, currently it is more so the Mexicans and the gay people. She seemed surprised by that, but also felt that gay people were to be feared. (She's a devout Christian, and I get the feeling that it's fairly conservative, not to mention GLBTs have not been able to come out in this country much yet.) The last things I said to her about this topic was that I don't think gay people are all that different either, they just tend to prefer their own gender. And that these feelings and politics are issues that Americans, and probably all countries of the world, will continue struggling with.

I don't hope to change her mind. However, by being friends with her, I hope she realizes that Americans aren't in any sense of the word uniform, and that specific situations and positions of authority can blur things a bit. As for the rest of the ideas about fear and racism, even if she doesn't agree with me, I'm happy that she listened patiently enough. Maybe knowing that these ideas are out there would help her see foreigners and the rest of the world in a different light when next she meets them. I know that for certain that by coming here, I am certainly going through a whole reality of changes that I would otherwise never even have considered.

On Identity

As far as I can tell, everyone experiences culture shock during their first international experience - as a student, an educator or some other trade. The very definition of culture is what is important to the people in a specific society - their values regarding "arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc." as according to Dictionary.com. In today's globalized world, countries are fairly aware of each other, so everyone has at least read about other cultures. Secondhand book knowledge, however, is nothing compared to being immersed in the personal experience.

There's nothing like realizing that the values we are raised on become very internalized and ingrained, whether we agree with them or not once we actually think about them. When the children I teach and the teachers around me disagree with my methods or ways of thinking, this becomes very obvious. In America, I often felt somewhat un-American due to my Communist Chinese upbringing thanks to my immigrant mother. When I was nine years old and she took me traveling to Hong Kong, the people there had commented on my American accent and "over expressiveness".

Out here, in one of the most beautiful and as yet natural (read undeveloped) suburbs of South Korea, I often think about the chemistry of my dual identity. Different skin tones and colors are a given in America because everyone's parents were immigrants at one time or another. Foreigners here either come to teach English or are manual laborers. The only place where no one seems to bat an eye at you for speaking a foreign language or dressing differently is in Itaewon, a neighborhood in Seoul. My friends and I sometimes comment - as fellow Americans - that Americans have the need to differentiate themselves so much that there are fierce regional loyalties and separate atmospheres for different states. Here, if you ask someone whether they are Korean and they turn out to be, they would be wondering if you are insulting them because their national pride is so complete.

There is a reason for this. South Korea had been alternately invaded by Japan, North Korea, and even the Chinese at one point. They need their unity to survive as a country - just as the U.S.A. was never more united as when the Twin Towers were just attacked. While the U.S. and South Korea function very differently as countries - except for capitalism - they are still allies. For business. For democracy.

On a personal basis, I still have not been able to be comfortable in this hierarchy, which feels almost feudal to me. While people are allowed to question their superiors, they must watch their tone of voice very carefully when doing so. American culture is based on questioning authority and rebelling, but these acts are not considered to be acts of disrespect. They are almost encouraged half the time, for the sake of people making their own choices and doing their best to practice critical thinking. Individualism is not an ideology here. Being alone is an indication that the person is losing at her social game, because she is being outcast. I remember the loner figure having an odd sort of glamor to him in American culture from reading "Shane".

Still, I had also resolved not to judge the people surrounding me by American standards, because that is not what they grew up in - and in fact, it's not even something they hear about aside from the advertisements for fashion from Europe. From these commercials, I think they think they know what American and European standards are, but these ideas are probably not accurate at all. Same for the feedback from American media. Anyhow, after my body mostly recovered and I wasn't consistently tired after a month of being here, I thought the culture shock was over. Psychologically, however, I'm not sure there is ever actually a cut off. I just have to find a middle ground where I let myself be, and let them be as well, I guess.